First time?

What was your first time like? (And isn’t it ironic I can type only that one sentence and you instantly know what I’m talking about?)

What was your first time like?
This is one of those questions that you can ask anyone over a certain age (and tragically one or two below it), and their eyes will go misty, and a small smile will play on their lips (or it could be a sneer, sometimes it’s hard to tell) and before you know it you’re getting the whole story, blow by blow, so to speak.

You’re first time is not something a person forgets. To do the report before Monday – yes; their partner’s birthday – yes; where they parked the FRAKKIN’ car, I mean it was just here a minute ago!! – yes, but their first time… Not likely!

Beautiful. Traumatic, awkward or all three rolled into one. It’s seen almost like a right of passage, or key to adulthood where a breaking voice, pimples or a new set of boobs just doesn’t quiet cut it. (Er, the breaking voice and boobs not being on one and the same person unless they’re Caster Semenya..)

And where did it happen? Your bed? Their bed? Your parent’s bed? Your car? Next to a giant Styrofoam ‘Free Willy’ poster at the aquarium?

Was it embarrassing?
Did you perform up to standard or will it always be a rueful memory that requires a shot of tequila and a hard core chocolate muffin to release the full story?

Was it everything you thought it would be? More then that? Sadly less? Or was it just like crop circles, totally unexplainable?

Would you have done anything differently? (Hindsight, gotta love it.)

Was it worth it?
Were you ready?
What advice would you give your kids on the subject?
What ever happened to the person you shared that moment with?
What’s your bank account number?

Yes I know it’s a lot of questions but I thought it would be nice to have a jog down memory lane. If you were hoping for tips or tricks or interestingly scented lubing jellies, then I may have to recommend you go Google that after reading this?

Other then that, just wondering…

CARTOON:

A state of Attraction

What attracts us to other people? And most especially to a mate we feel we can spend the rest of our lives with? What makes one person a fan of blondes, another of brunettes, and another of bald sadists in leather and a smile?

This question is still, unsurprisingly, largely up to debate in many circles.
We can generally tell that most people want a mate who is at least basically as healthy and robust as they can be, but after that tastes swing so wildly and varied that finding an accurate way to measure and plot ‘attractiveness’ begins to fall flat.

The basic argument falls down to those two classics we like to blame for everything from homosexuality to why Little Pete won’t eat his lentils, namely, The Biological Drive or Social Influence arguments.

The Biological Drive argument says that we are all born with an instinctive realization of the qualities we seek in a mate who would help make a good genetic donor to our not-yet-conceived offspring. (Not sure then how they explain homosexuality, inbreeding or Michael Jackson but then but I’m sure there’s got to be an exception or two to prove the rule?)

The Social Influence argument says we are taught by media, society, friends, family and cigarette adverts, what to find attractive and what to shun. The classic example they give here is how the more plump and Romanesque woman was preferred in ye olden days compared to the skeletal, with skin optional, women who are today’s bon-bons. We learn these tastes from everywhere it seems. Like maybe you want someone as stern as your father? Or a red head like your feisty Irish nanny or perhaps someone who can bend like the people you once saw in your uncle Lenny’s weird magazines that you peeked at as a kid and that still leave you waking up screaming yet oddly aroused?

Or maybe it’s a mixture of both? Personally I suspect it is. I think it’s a whole mish-mash of our human experience throughout life that blends together and helps us form an idea of what, to us, is the perfect mate, the cat’s meow!

But whatever the reasons it’s very rare to come across someone who’s either completely uninterested in another human being (Except computer nerds and I still think Ewoks count!) or who will happily have sex with anyone (many guys say they will until ‘Leper Annie’ comes a stumpin’ up to them with a wink and half a smile…)

Yet attraction is a weird thing even so! There are folk who will swear blind they can only fall for tall, lean, rich, runway models but who end up finding happiness with Tilly, the plump little maid, and there are strong passionate attractions that have fizzled away to nothing while some small “mediocre” attractions have stood the test of time.

Trying to analyze and figure out what attracts us to another person is almost impossible to pin point accurately. Best advice I can give you is to go with what feels right to you and what makes you happy!
(And if you happen to be a pedophile or a rapist – SORRY FOR YOU HEY!!)

CARTOON:

It's a dog's life

So I was given a Body Suit for my birthday by someone who's mind is almost as interesting as mine! < - - I'm biased, what can I say. Now these things are fun! Oh so fun! seriously, you want to just let go and have a real laugh while dressed up, this is how you should do it! So here is me in my Dalmation Zentai suit goofing for the camera! Look at your own risk because remember, what you see, CAN NEVER BE UNSEEN!! [Doesn't it look nifty? Bet you wouldn't turn this away if it humped your leg?]


[I do love doing it doggy style!]


[Oh my goodness! You just have to wonder about my breeding! Naughty Jo!]


[A woman in a dog costume out in the sun, could that be classified as a bitch in heat?]


[All good puppies deserve a toy or two and let's face it Jo does love balls!]


[We go walkies?! Mind you I'm not sniffing anyone else's bum!]


[Aw, puppy love! Rub my tummy?]


[So, wanna take me home?]

You!'re guide to Euphemisms!

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01 Introduction

THE BLOG:-

I've always thought writing a blog on the interesting ins and outs of the human sexual experience would be, if nothing else, vastly entertaining, for both you and, more importantly, me!

Let's face it; of all the critters in the animal kingdom out there, human beings have perhaps some of the most unusual, interesting, insane, useless, freakish, odd or just plain WTF mating rituals out there.

A dog wants to mate, he finds a bitch on heat, sniffs her up a bit, makes sure she won't bite off any of his delicates, does the job, then goes off to have a little something to eat and maybe lick himself, congratulations on a job well done.

Human beings have so many complex relationship do's and don't, that it’s seldom that simple. (And when it is then you’re either married some years or have to put the cash on the dresser). In general though, this behaviour is taboo or that is okay but only on a Thursday, this works with him but not with her, this works with her but wait, she's really a he and only 15 years old!

Religion, society, norms, morals, nifty TV programs, all these things influence the human sexual being. Even something like the internet has allowed us to meet people we never would have had the chance to in our geographic region, and to swap ideas, stories and pictures, oh my the pictures, of all the things human beings can do with and to each other.

In this blog I’m going to go in and explore some of these goings on. I’ll get my brain, eyes and thoughts all dirtied up to bring you stories of all the things people, probably closer to you then you know, or would care to know, are getting up to! Admit it, you’ve curious! Oh I knew you would be!

WARNING: I’m exploring all sort of human behaviour. This includes, but is not limited to – I mean really, some of the skankier, nastier, darker passions and desires out there. This is not for the faint of heart or the stodgy of bedroom! If you don’t like my posts then may I recommend NOT READING THEM!! That ought to help tons.

So welcome to my blog! Pull up a chair, a few tissues and your curiosity and let’s see what we shall see!

p.s. All blog material, poems etc are written by me unless specifically stated otherwise.

THE POEM:-

There once was a man who got fame,
Using shock collars on girls, how insane!
But the police bust him you see,
Because they were aged 13 down to 3,
And now he has a shock treatment to the brain!

THE CARTOON:-